Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Reevaluating my life in a Walmart checkout line

I spent 28 minutes in a checkout line at Walmart yesterday. How ridiculous is that? Turns out I only needed 7 minutes to flip through a magazine that I wasn't interested in and 2 minutes to judge the groceries of the people around me. That left 19 minutes (I'm so good at math) for a solid reevaluation of my life... which was repeatedly interrupted by the old lady in front of me who kept dropping things on the ground. I swear it was a test, like "how many times will this dumb blonde girl continue to pick up the things that I drop." The answer is three times; now stop being so clumsy. And that I am a good person? That's the last time I go to the store for my mom. (So maybe I'm not a good person...) Anyway, here are the extremely important things I thought about while picking up an old ladies bag of chips, marshmallow fluff, and paper plates (what the hell was she making?).

1. My New Years Resolution is to learn how to juggle. Not just 3 balls but like 7. Or 18. So it's an actual talent and when my life is a total and complete failure at least I'll look cool juggling mad amounts of balls. Or knives. Maybe I'm better than you think.

2. Am I wasting all the young and sort of pretty years of my life by reading in my bed, watching tons of movies, and running alone? This is when I should be snorting cocaine off a monkey's tail in Thailand with John Krasinski and I'm clearly not doing that. WILL I REGRET IT?

3. Why did my mom need 7 cans of cherries? That's kind of overkill, Kim.

4. Is the checkout lady going to try to make small talk with me? Is she going to wonder why I have 7 cans of cherries? Will she ASK me why I have 7 cans of cherries? I WON'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

5. Are humans really to blame for global warming or is this just the natural cycle of the planet?

6. Should I run the Asheville marathon in March or will I still be standing in this checkout line?

7. My younger brother has these hanging letters in his room that spell out his name and I rearranged them from PARKER to KRAPER and has he noticed yet? If he has noticed, does he know I did it or is he suspicious of everyone in my family?

8. If I take my phone out all of the people around me will think I'm one of those bratty girls who uses her phone all the time. RESIST BOREDOM. DON'T USE YOUR PHONE. DON'T CONFIRM THE STEREOTYPE.

9. If I sat down and started making clicking and beeping noises would people think I'm nuts or does that sort of thing happen a lot in Walmart?

10. Why do I only think about really insignificant things? Like what is Obama thinking about right now? Does Obama know how to juggle?

Have a delightful New Year, everyone! Unless I don't like you, in which case I hope your New Year is mediocre and unmemorable.

No comments:

Post a Comment